My Simself face says it all. I realize that over the years I have forgotten some crucial things about my Uglacy family. It all started when Zip Uglacy showed up at Gage’s house…
“HOW could you?!”
“Zip, er, which thing do you mean? Use your daughter in a legacy? Forget you guys on the hard drive for several years? Betray you for the Sims 3?”
“FORGET who my wife is?! You called her a random townie you had married me to.”
“NO! She’s your great, great granddaughter!”
“What?! I am sure I would know if she were my great, great granddaughter. She was some townie from the Chili Catastrophe Apocalypse, the last story I was writing before the whole Sims 2 exchange collapsed. Ohhhh, the Apocalypse… wait a second, now I remember.” So now I realize I need a recap, not just for the readers, but myself. And this recap is from years and years ago… Pay attention people, this gets tricky. Pull out the old family photos…
It all started with this picture (kind of bad because I had a crappy graphic card back then) and an off the wall idea. I started a legacy, a challenge to get 10 generations of sims through the game without cheating (and a whole lot of other rules and handicaps that can be found here: http://www.simslegacychallenge.com/legacy-challenge-rules/). But unlike most other legacy writers at the time, I decided to strive for the ugliest sim in 10 generations, thus I called the family, the Uglacy. I went for the ugliest townies and oddest characters I could find, and played it in my usual haphazard way. It was kind of like reality tv for sims.
Somewhere in all the story writing and poking fun, characters emerged. Characters like Samara, worse mom ever, and Don the Zombie. Probably one of the most notorious legacy love stories on the exchange. Now up until Don, I don’t remember of anyone adding a zombie to their legacy family. And this was back in the days when zombies weren’t cool, pre-Walking Dead. They couldn’t make heirs. And worse, they had no personality. But Don proved that theory wrong to me and many, many readers.
Another of the most popular sims was Samara’s son, Gage Uglacy, a romance sim with a particular fetish for simselves. He was not easy on the eyes, but he thought he was EA’s gift to women everywhere, and he did have a certain chauvinistic charm about him. I managed to finish the Uglacies, and that legacy is here http://clockwatching.net/~jack/s2/reader/Candi02076563656/ Along with many other sims 2 classics by lots of authors.
But now we are talking about this legacy, right… well it all ties in.
My last story before the exchange crashed was ironically an apocalypse and I sent my simself’s son, Bam Bam, who I had with Boom Boom (a famous sim from Ephemeral Toast’s stories) off to save the world. Well this is Cleopatra, a spare of that apocalypse and the great, great granddaughter of Bam Bam making out with Zip (Don’s zombie son) at college, where they fell in love and had…
Angel! Her skin had not zombify yet, but she was Don’s Granddaughter, and technically my great, great, great granddaughter. SO we are all related to Angel!!! How did I miss this? It thickens the plot considerably.
“Cleo! My great, great granddaughter! Now I remember you. Give Nana a hug.”
“Buzz off grandma. It’s too late to apologize.” It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late, I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late…Woahooo woah…
Oh shut it, Justin!
I was feeling pretty low about this. This was terrible sim playing, even by my standards. Don wouldn’t even take my calls. Not that I could blame him. Years of being in my hard drive, abandoned, and now I return and call family members random townies?! I needed advice on how to win Don’s cold, dead heart back, and there was only one sim that could help me or would help me. The last sim I’d ever thought I’d need advice from…
“Gage, about Don… you two have always had this bond…”
“Yea, well he fed me when my mom basically didn’t. And lured all those simselfs in our house with chili and grilled cheese. Good times.”
“Well, I need your help. He won’t even take my calls.”
“You need my expertise. I am the master. Well if there’s anything the Gagemeister knows, it’s socializing and winning hearts. Let’s do a group outing. I’ll call him.”
Immediately, it seemed like the outing was going bad. The town diva went straight for Gage’s heart, and I do mean literally.
“It’s hollow, this man has no heart!” (Like everyone knew that.)
“Alright, lady, even I have boundaries here! Can you get your hand out of my chest? If you mess up this classy jacket, I’m charging you for the dry cleaning.”
“Hey Don, hi.”
“Don, come on, you can’t ignore me forever. Think of everything we’ve been through. 2 Legacies, half an apocalypse, and a couple side stories.”
“Yeah, think of everything we’ve been through, and then you just abandoned us to play your new Sims3 game. And calling Cleo a random townie because you literally forgot her and Angel until you needed a founder, that’s pathetic. Well I’m not about to forgive you. Run along and play Sims 4, you know you want to.”
“Now what, Gage. He still hates me.”
“How should I know? I’m a romance sim, not a popularity one. When I get really desperate, I serenade the ladies.”
“Hey, that’s a great idea!”
“So everyone, I’d like to dedicate this song to Don…”
OH no, my simself has had too much to drink. I… she… we can’t sing!
“Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home”
Oh NO. I went for straight for Adele. I can’t even sing Happy Birthday well.
“OH damanation dad, she’s terrible!”
“I know, hahaha. All those years she made fun of me serenading… wow, she had no room to talk, or sing. Hey, do you think she’s picturing me in my underwear right now, you know, to relax? Over here, baby, and I don’t wear underwear!”
“Uh, is that a cat dying a horrible, excruciating death? My eardrums are bleeding.”
“No, that’s just a simself that I used to know.”
Okay, okay, enough with the introduction and the musical innuendos. Obviously, Don was not impressed with my singing apology. So on with the show. Angel just graduated…
The familiar legacy lot, 5X5, and Angel is watching us, watch her. Let the good times roll.
We waste no time, because really, who wants to see pics of a toilet in the sand. Someone is out there is raising their hand… well tough. Angel starts out with $4.800 and this lovely engagement ring.To propose to the man of her dreams, Quinten Tellerman…okay thats not really his last name, but come on, he’s a Komei look-a-like.Of course he said yes while this stupid photo bomber circled the couple and ruined the pics.Immediately Angel celebrated by downing an entire six pack of beer.
Then heart farting over Vicund. Really? Family sims are the worse by far. At least with a romance sim, you know exactly what you’re dealing with.
Point in case, my simself arrives wedged between Gage and Gage Jr. whose conversation I cannot began to tell you… (Banned 4life, only Sims can’t do that now, so there). Both of them actually wolf whistled at me as I was trapped. True story.
“What baby, I can’t help it if you get glitched in a simself sandwich. Heh, heh.”
Now I am admittedly a terrible sim player, but the one thing I do do well is parties, well I do have my secret weapon Don the zombie, but first things boys and girls is ALWAYS have ample booze. We can’t afford a bar yet, but this nifty keg from Mod The Sims will do.
Unfortunately, everyone was boozing up and polluting the lot with red solo cups while Angel and Quinten tied the knot. It was so romantic.“So you really want to get that party score up, little lady, cause we could make out.”
“I think I’ll pass Goopy.”
Even Don’s expression in the background says it all.
Beer and Butterflies, love was in the air…
The good thing about the Uglacies, is that they don’t need much to have a good time (other than booze and dirty jokes). They went right into a competitive game of hacky sac…
If only there was a handicap with points for roof raisers, I would totally nail a legacy.Immediately following the wedding party, Angel goes shopping! This is the first legacy where I am going to play the well-dressed handicap. So how it works. Each sim must have their own wardrobe, and the rules are kind of fuzzy on when, it implies everyone needs an adult and elder set by midnight of the first night, which would be like a kazillion dollars no legacy has. Hey, these are poor kids straight out of college. After I read the rules a little closer, it sounds like they have to have their whole wardrobe by midnight of their new age… because anything else would be insane and impossible. So I am going with that. She buys an outfit in every category for her and Quinten, which was plenty of money, let me tell you. Sim outfits are not cheap.With Quinten’s other $4000 they were able to build a very minimal house with the awesome roof I added. (I really suck at roof tops.) Looks like a minecraft project.The inside was done in lovely pepto bismol pink decor as per Angel’s desire.
In addition to being well dressed,this family will have a family breed, a dog every generation bred back to Pierre here, who I paid no attention to when we bought and ended up with an aggressive, finicky, lazy doofus for a dog. I hit the pet jackpot!
“Well I guess we have $6.00 left after buying that dumb dog. Quinten must look for work now. Dur… test subject, that sounds easy.”
“Honey, is there anything in education? I want to be a teacher.”
“NO, Quinten is the smart one. I shall be a teacher!”
UGH. Both of these guys have the same LTW, to be at the top of education. And is the job there? No, of course it’s not. That would be too easy.
So Angel gets a job as a Sea Lice Assistant for the money, and is immediately promoted.
“Yay, I love my life, I love my house, I love this lot!”
“Arrgh, I hate my life, I hate this house, I hate this lot!”
Okay, well Quinten is not feeling science quite the same way.
“Do you like my new make over, Quinty?”
“”Oh yes, it’s so Betty Crocker. What’s cooking, good looking?”
As a matter of fact, there is something cooking, the little bun is in the oven.
“Oh my gosh, Angel, are you pregnant?” *Surprised gasp*
“No, Barbara, I swallowed a watermelon. Geesh. I would have thought the baby shower invitations gave it away.”
“Baby shower?! I don’t do no flipping baby showers. You probably don’t even have booze, mascots, or a bubble blower here. This blows. Who throws baby showers in the sims?”
“Uh, we do. And you’re mistaken Barb, we always have booze.”
(Wouldn’t it be cool if family sims rolled for that! Instead of calling every guy in town… grrr, like Angel).
“Wow that dog is uglier then I remember. What was I drinking, I mean thinking when I had her adopt him?”
“I’m so glad you came by, Miss Candi. Now about this plan for world domination…”
“What? I just want to get through this without cheating an getting an ugly sim at the end.”
“Please. You can be honest. I’m a knowledge sim. A genius, I am. You chose me for my superior intelligence to pass to my children.”
“Uh… sure buddy. Whatever floats your boat.”
“Hey baby, I’m here.”
“Yea, okay Gage. Glad you could make the baby shower.”
“Don’t you want to come over and give me a big smooch, for old time sake.”
“No, I’m good.”
“Hey cuz, so you’re popping out another Uglacy, eh? Well I don’t know if it can beat my handsome mug, but congratulations.”
“Thanks Gage Jr. I’m loving this. Have you seen how platinum my plumbob is?”
“I don’t look at your plumbob, being related and all.”
“Look, I don’t want to complain, the spaghetti is good, but don’t you guys think you should have served chili? I mean Don’s coming, and you know how butt hurt he gets.”
“Slurp, smurg, gobble, gobble…”
“Hey Angel. What’s that you’re eating.”
“Uh, oh oh. It’s Candi’s fault. She made me cook it.”
“Is that… dramatic pause… spaghetti?”
“NO chili! What kind of family get together is this?!”
“Um, the Gagemeister sees a cheerleader at the computer. I’m out.”
“YOU traitor. First you play the sims 3 and now you have my granddaughter serve spaghetti at a family function? You know our traditional food is chili. Why I ought to…”
“Don, calm down. She didn’t have the cooking points, yet. It’s not my fault.”
“HERE’s a thought, maybe you should learn how to play this game and actually skill your sims!”
“Wow, I have never been on the outs with Don before. Well maybe if this legacy goes well, maybe then he’ll forgive me.”
“You will be glad to know, Grandma, that I have my fashion at 10 points and I just bought a toddler outfit in every category for my baby to be. I have this well dressed sim down to an art.”
“That’s great Angel. You know the Uglacies are all about fashion.”
Gage: “Well of course we are, I mean look at me. Nothing says high class fashion like animal print, honey. It’s not easy looking this fabulous.”
“Gorvitz to the right, Gorvitz to the left… gooo Gervitz. Want to see me cheer one more time Mr. Uglacy?!”
“No, shouldn’t you be at a college party somewhere, annoying someone else?!”
And then this happened, now keep in mind, I am not controlling me or Don. We are at Angel’s house and our relationship started out just a little beneath neutral. I can’t believe we are enemies!!! Tell me it’s not so. His pixelated self really is pissed at me.
Fortunately, there was no time for Don and mine’s drama. For Angel went into labor right as her shower was ending.
“Arrrrgh, curses, I knew I should of listened to Grandpa Don and not ate that spaghetti.”
“That’s my cue to leave, darling. I don’t do babies, unless it’s babymaking of course.”
Quinten is not doing any better than Gage, he’s sleeping through the whole thing. Here he was a knowledge sim who rolled a want for a baby. Pfft. Don’t get too excited there.
“OH wait, my spidey senses are saying something major is happening!”
Way to photo bomb your baby’s birth pictures at the last minute Quinten! But nice abs!
Meet Nosferatu, in the Uglacy tradition of naming after horror films. Don’t know who that is? Oh, I bet you do.
The oldest dracula on film (I think). Nosferatu was the vampire of the 1920’s, before you know, they got all hot and everything.
“Mommy is sorry, little Nose, but I have to go back to work to continue to make sure this family is well dressed. Unfortunately education won’t open up, so mommy has to be a dive master. Don’t worry though, we have a professional nanny to take care of you.”
Who misses the nanny?! Oh come on, you know you do. Why she is a wonderful, caring professional for your little sims. You can be assured of excellent care of your heirs and spares! She not neglected that baby, oh no, she is giving it tummy time! Er, or back time, same difference.Hey wait one stinking minute, there. It’s a good thing I installed the nanny cam! She stealing our beer, and you know, not taking care of the kid too. But our beer! Now that’s just wrong!“Mrs. Allister? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, just fine young man. *burp, hiccup… fart*. Can you fill the keg back up and restock your red, solo cups? I’ll be here tomorrow, 8 AM sharp.”
Meanwhile, Angel continues to work on the family death portrait. Which always takes nearly a lifetime to paint.
“Quinten sad, there are no education jobs in the paper or the computer. How will Quinten ever get promoted and get his lifetime want?”
Yes indeed, Nose is nearly a toddler and there’s still no sign of an education track. I must fight this growing desire TO CHEAT!!! But I didn’t. Almost… but NO. Finally they got jobs as teachers.
And Angel brings home her lookalike best friend, Samantha Ottoman.
“OH you look wonderful in that suit.”
“No, no, you wear it much better!”
Samantha becomes that one friend. You know the one, the one who never leaves. Who thinks they live with you, and they eat all your food and drink all your beer.
And then rudely try to hog your bathroom. Geesh Samantha. Go home already.
Let the chance cards began. So another handicap I am doing is called Fearless, which means we take every chance card, have no burglar alarm, and must repair our own electrical devices. (Plus have a 10 interest in crime or max game hobbies). Anyhow I suck at chance cards. First Angel gets this one, and I figure everyone wants hamburgers not salad at a BBQ. WRONG.
Then I get the same chance card for Quinten and choose salad. WRONG! I just can’t win here. *cough, cough, chancecardsarerigged*
Time flies when you’re having fun, and it is soon time for Nose’s birthday. Of course this means an Uglacy party.
But Uglacy parties can be a little complicated. So of course Samantha shows up, well she never left, but anyhow, she falls for Gage, who is considering… well you see the lips. Meanwhile Gage Junior is also heart farting over Samantha, and Angel just wants to get Nosferatu to the cake before he grows up. It was a cluster of wannabe actions gone wrong.
By the time Angel gets Nose to the cake, Cleo starts heart farting over Gage… really Cleo! In front of your husband, Zip no less. You’re rolling wants for his big brother, missy.
“Hey honey, are you okay?”
“Oh my, did it just get hot in here?”
Finally, it looks like Quinten managed to get him to the cake. (The cake was in an impossible place on the counter, so we fix that).
The Uglacies are pretty excited about this first legacy baby. Even Samara is thrilled.
“Really grandma, did you have to do that right in my ear?”
Oh well that is kind of disappointing. He looks… normal. However his personality is anything but! 9/4/9/10/3… He’s a neat freak, overactive, playful, mean little brat. Already the true Uglacy genes are coming through.
Immediately, he makes a run for it through the freezing snow. Great.
Surprisingly, the one relative who takes an interest in Nose is Uncle Gage.
“It’s okay kid, we can’t all have my good looks. Let’s work on the charisma points, it’s never too soon to start charming the ladies.”
Being the typical family sim, as soon as Nosferatu turns toddler, Angel rolls her wants…I’m on board because our goals are kind of the same.
“Let’s have another baby, Quinten. Preferably an ugly one this time.”
The nanny wars have begun!
The house gets an upgrade. Look it’s Barbie’s townhouse!
Quinten’s hair gets an upgrade! (If you like the bozo the clown look).
And the toddler gets upgraded. Woot, one whole skill set! I rule. So what if he never learned to walk or talk.But alas, not everything in life can be upgraded. Don’t you throw your stick at me, Gage! OH wow, that sounded bad.
Meanwhile, Angel is one of my hardest working, smartest sims ever, she would be perfect if she didn’t continually roll wants to call her ex boyfriend from college. *familysimsareclosetromancefreaks*
“Arrrrgh! The baby’s coming!”
Sure, sure, anything to get out of fixing the shower. You just lost your hard working status. Here I am bragging on you, and you pull this.
Meet Wendy, um yes, a girl. Wendy is named after the woman who was married to the psycho in The Shining. You remember…
“OH Jack, does this mean that the honeymoon is over.”Sure, sure I know you’re thinking, well Wendy wasn’t really a monster… but I don’t know. This “victim” sure had an arsenal of weapons…and facial expressions.
But I digress, Little Wendy was born and it was time again for another Uglacy Party.
Toot the horns and throw the confetti, after mastering toilet training, Nose is growing up!
“YAY!!! Look at me!”
*Crickets chirping* This kid is far too cute for an Uglacy. The family senses it. Notice I am not at this party, and for good reason.“It’s a good thing SHE didn’t show up here. I’ve been so mad, I can’t even season my chili right.”
“Woah Don, calm down. You know what always makes me feel better. Hot, meaningless…”
“GAGE, boundaries!!! We’ve talked about this.”
“Yeah, sure, I totally get boundaries. Got to have them. What’s your safe word, Don. Everyone should have a safe word.”
“Very zombie of you, Don. Okay, ugh it is. Now is my mom keeping you happy in bed because…”
“UGH! UGH! UGH!”
To start working on our family breed, we bring a collie home, Lassie, whose personality is a desperate attempt to fix Pierre’s genes. She a friendly genius, who Nose immediately attacks and tries to knaw her leg off. Nice. You might be an Uglacy after all, kid.
Meanwhile, Quinten will not stop rolling the want to enter a cook off. He apparently got Don’s recipe and had to give it a go. So down to Sue’s Kitchen we go. He looks a little nervous.*Add bad french accent* “Wee, I cannot believe the legacy man brought chileeee. I have my French Vanilla cake from a hundred year old recipeee from the kings of France. How dare he place that atrociteee on this table with my beautiful cake!”
“Hello, Mr. Uglacy. What meat went into this chili? It’s delicious!”
“Erm, uh… I plead the 5th. It’s a secret family recipe.”
“YES! I knew Don’s Chili wouldn’t let me down! First place, baby.”
Chef Boyardee: “Realleee! Your Chilee beat my divine vanilla cake. This was not fair, not fair I say! I demand a new judge!”
Secret Society Girl: “Like I totally can’t believe my bologna sandwiches didn’t win! All the kids on campus say they are the best!”
“Oh my gosh, Samantha! You’re pregnant, we, I mean I just realized it. I thought you were just some random townie, whose the daddy? No REALLY, who?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”
Hmmm. How odd. A pregnant townie? I may have to have a spare marry this one just to seek the information. Better not be someone wearing a leopard smoking jacket.
What the frick! Step away from the Keg Missy, that cannot be good for your baby!
“OH Gage, what am I going to do? I can’t even go to the kids’ birthday parties for fear Don will beat the crud out of me. He’s so mad at me. We’re even enemies… waaaah.”
“Erm, well you could get some body points, just in case.”
“Wow, Gage, you’re actually being nice to me. I mean could I have been wrong, all these years, making fun of you. Maybe I misunderstood you. Maybe you’re deeper, maybe you do seek meaning out of life… maybe…”
“ARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!”“What the Hell, Gage?! YOU can’t comfort me 2 seconds without acting like a jerk?”
“Candi, baby, what do you expect? I’m a romance sim, and you are the only simself for miles. I’m desperate.”
“Desperate! Now you’re desperate for hitting on me, gads. You’re such a *&%#@$%^&*”
“OH, I like it when you talk dirty symbols to me.”“Listen, I can probably talk to Don on your behalf and be one of those meditators…”
“You mean mediators.”
“Whatever. You know he just needs some smoothing over. You broke his little zombie heart. But I have a favor to ask of you. Kind of an I’ll scratch yours if you scratch mine.”
“Scratch my back you mean.”
“Or whatever part you prefer, I’m flexible that way.”
*Sigh* I feel like I’m making a pact with a leopard clad devil. “Ok, what’s the favor?”“So psssk, psssk, pssssk, psssssk, and oh yeah… psssk, pssssk, pssssk, pssssk.”“What, you want me to what?!”
“You heard me, darling. That’s the terms.”
“But Gage, you realize the Sims 2 isn’t as popular as it used to be and…”
“Excuses, excuses. You were always the master of getting around a glitch, Candi. Now run along and make Gage happy. I need to go get my suit pressed. Gotta look good for the ladies.”
“I can’t believe that baboon talked me into this. Okay, okay, where can I find some Sim 2 players. AHA. The Boolprop forum. Yea, yea, I mean if someone uploads their simself that’s like begging to be in a story… erm right? Let’s see, I could ask permission.
What a lovely simself you have. I hope you won’t mind if I download her for Gage Uglacy’s amusement… I won’t let him do anything too bad to her. It may possibly be public and followed for years to come and give you terrible nicknames and a reputation that you will never outlive…
Ok scratch that. When did I ever ask permission? I’ll just go for it. Let’s see, whose still on here… oh my gosh!”
“Candi, you are so DEAD.”
The end, folks, at least for now. That simself is cowforbrains, if you don’t recall her, she plays legacies, a lot of legacies because she kind of kills her sims a lot. But don’t worry, she’s an old friend/nemesis of mine, that may have killed me a few times and boolpropped me (I really hope it was boolprop) pregnant with Gage, good times. Anyhows, take care all, and until next time… Happy Simming!